Ok, I'm doing this.

Here's what this blog is going to be about.

I'm going to blog in real time. I had a whole blog post planned for last week but I chickened out because it's a bit controversial? I just wanted to make sure I expressed myself clearly and I was on it all week but when Friday came around my energy levels went straight down. But, but, but! I will not allow that to stop me from doing a weekly blog. I had this whole idea to make a #TGIBD post (Thank God It's Blog Day, lol) but maybe that will be too much of a commitment for me at this point. Not to mention it's way too "influencer" style for me. So I'll keep that idea in the backburner, however, I will be posting weekly to the best of my ability.

I do want this blog to be a little more than just my own stream of consciousness rants but sometimes I just get too perfectionist and don't post unless I think it's a perfectly worded article. So for now, I am just going to set the bar lower for me in order to make this blogging idea a habit.

On my latest post:

I was quite pleased with people's response to my first blog post about Nina Rancel. It's nice to hear people can make connections with me through these things and feel related to what I say. It's the whole point. I write for me mostly, to take shit out of my head and put it out somewhere so it stops driving me insane. Not all of it is (and shouldn't be) meant to put on the internet, but it does make me happy to know that others can read it and feel less alone. It's why I read anyhow.

What's next:

So I had this fabulous idea, (and I call it fabulous because anything that I will actually enjoy doing is a fabulous idea) to make a weekly blog where I journal my whole process in achieving my own goals and projects. I have a few that I am working on but two main ones that are the "big ones" for now.

Here's my why: In 2018, I painfully (after years of resisting) realized I wasn't cut out for the linear lifestyle: 1. Get your degree. 2. Get a 9 to 5 job and climb the ladder. 3. Die wondering what if I took a chance and made my dreams come true (sounds cliche, but fuck you.)

I didn't just get up one day and decide: I'm going to quit my job, drop out of university and go back to Venezuela, the country I was born and raised in, to make my own passion projects come to life. It wasn't that simple. Life took me there bit by bit. How it got me to this point is a long story, one I will be writing about somewhere else (*cough cough* project hint), but the the point is, I am here, and it's not easy.

Here's my here: I don't have a very high paying job, but thankfully I do have one that gives me just what I need without taking up even half of my day. I don't have a degree to rely on for "job security" and am not in school trying to make that happen. I am living back home and my goal every day is to get closer and closer to making two projects happen.

This means a few challenges:

1. I am my own boss. Only I can manage and teach myself the skills I need to make my projects happen. I set my own schedule, my own routine, my own to do's and I judge my own progress. This is terrifying when you're just learning. The times I wished I had some sort of partner, manager, mentor or coach happen pretty much every day and I have to suck it up and either sink or swim. Swimming means believing that I am enough, that I have what it takes, and that I will get there.

2. Sacrificing fun. Part of what I want to do for the sake of my projects is travel. And to travel around the globe I need money. Living here in Venezuela where I have my home and don't have to pay rent is the best way for me to focus on creating without having to spend most of my time hustling to pay bills and then not have much time left to create (what my life was like in Canada). However, it also means my money making opportunities are small. The odd gig I get with photography pays very little and the only way to make good money here is to have my own business which would defeat the purpose of my whole being here in the first place which was to have a lower cost of living and time. You can't win them all and there's a downside to every upside and that's mine. This means I can't afford to spend all the money I make every month on fun. So I stay in a lot, I haven't done any travelling even inside my own country, and I try my best not to buy things I really want (clothes, cameras, film and books are my weakness.)

It's part of the sacrifice you have to make your longer term goals come true, but finding a way to not kill yourself from the suffocation that is daily monotony is a challenge. This isn't like other cities where you can take a bus somewhere, or walk around, and there's so much going on. Or where you can take small budget friendly trips. This is Caracas, Venezuela - where crime rates are up the roof and doing any sort of travel even within the country is as expensive as it is to fly to Europe. A ticket out of here is costly. A trip to the beach further than the closest one forty minutes away, La Guaira, is even more expensive.

3. The loneliness. I've always been a very loner type of person ever since I was a baby. But I barely see any other adults like me on a daily basis, or even the weekends like most people would at work or in school. It doesn't help that most of my friends have left the country because hello, this is Venezuela, where 6.4 million have left a population of about 30 million. Trying to make friends here who I have things in common can get hard. It also takes a lot of effort because the only way to even talk to people is to DM them and be all, "Do you want to be my friend?" Organically making friends here is very hard unless you're involved in classes or workshops of any sort. This can make me feel a little nutty and moody. I really wish I worked with a team or had a friend I was making something with. That would make things a lot easier and less lonely. C'est la vie. I better not get on the "I wish" wagon this soon on the blog yet.

4. No money, no recognition... yet. I have to be very patient about this one. It takes having a certain amount of followers, some sort of degree, and a certain amount of money or any other type of "official recognition" for people to consider you successful. So when people ask me, "what do you do?", I cringe and mumble. It's embarrassing. Because a lot of them have impressive jobs or degrees to justify their experience and I have nothing yet. There is no one word job title for what I do. Whenever a project of mine finally materializes I guess this will get easier. But for now, I have to swallow my envy and jealousy when I see friends winning awards, or working for awesome places while I'm trying to get my own projects off the ground.

Now before this turns into a self pity post let me say something. I can always decide to go back to school, get my degree, and find a good job in a different country where life is more "normal". And believe me I am sometimes very tempted. But I chose this and I choose it every day. I've already tried and failed because I wasn't cut out for it. I am happy that despite all of the challenges it comes with, I am working to create my own business, my own projects and tell my own stories my way. I want to carve my own path and by the time I'm fifty, I know I won't get to wonder "what if".

I am writing this blog because I want to document my journey in making these projects happen. Writing has always been the best outlet for me and I think I'll dig reading all this in ten years when I'm rich, successful and famous (manifesting, duh.) I am doing this for me. BUT, if I can inspire others (you) to carve their own path (your path) when they have a deep desire to but are afraid to, then that just makes it even more worthy to me. I know I'm not alone in this journey of mine, and neither are you.

(We're alllll in this togetherrrrr..). Ugh, High School Musical and it's random appearances.

Oops. Did I forget to mention what my projects actually are? Guess you're gonna have to stay tuned... muahahaha.