Back in grade school, I used to imagine getting what to me was the worst possible result before I got my grades back for any important exam. "I probably failed or got a C...", I'd think to myself. Because that way, most of the times I'd be surprised with a B, a C + and in some cases, even an A! I hated when I thought I had done well and was hit in the face by something less than what I expected.
This strategy worked for me for a while. I set my expectations low on my performance in order to always prove that I was better than I thought and get a dopamine lift out of that. But then is this how I should judge myself with everything?
You'd think that's a lazy way to be and that I don't care much about my performance. But I didn't set expectations low for myself because I'm lazy and just want to get away with the minimum requirements, I did it because I was too much of a perfectionist, too hard on myself, or pressured myself way too much which caused a lot of stress. I still worked really hard, I just didn't like feeling disappointed if I didn't "measure up."
Now was I conscious of my doing this? No, I just discovered this about myself during a session with my ontological coach. I've been reflecting on what this means about how I view and judge myself...
What am I afraid of so much that I need to protect myself from making mistakes or failing?
Does setting the bar low for myself really give me the results that I want? Does it really protect me?
Am I actually accepting myself for who I am and being grateful for what I can do or am I measuring myself according to my mistakes and not giving any importance on my progress and achievements (even when small)?
Questions I've been asking myself as of late...