Comparing Exes with Newbies

It's hard not to compare the new person in your life to your ex. You can't help but be happy about all the things you have with this person, the things you share and do together, the type of relationship that you have - that you weren't able to have in your older relationship. The same applies to all the negative parts of that relationship that you don't have to worry about in this new one.

And hey, good for you! It's a great feeling to know you've progressed in life and are in a better situation now. I'm not going to lecture you on how unfair that is to the person that you were with, how all people are different and therefore each relationship will be different so comparing makes no sense. Nor how you it would be a lot healthier for you to honour that person's place in your life, the time and energy you invested in them, and what that person and your relationship with them taught you.

Nope. I'm going to tell you my theory on why it is you're finding yourself constantly comparing your old partner to your new one and what effects that may have on your new relationship. Why? Because I did it, I learned something from it, and I wouldn't be fulfilling my purpose on this earth if I didn't share that lesson with you. Whoever you are ;) (Thanks for reading, by the way, truly grateful!)

Here we go. (I'm going to enumerate my points so this is easier to read.)

1. First of all, if you've met someone new you're excited about and cannot stop talking about how much better a fit this person is for you than your ex... well, my friend, it's probably because you haven't fully healed from the mishaps of your last relationship and so anything different to that will be a huge relief.

If you're still resentful, angry, hurt or upset about anything relating to your old relationship and the person you were with, then you shouldn't be dating yet. Because you won't be looking at anyone else you meet through an objective lens. You'll be looking for whatever it is you couldn't find before. And here's the fun part. Because this is where you ask yourself what it is that relationship lacked, what holes that person couldn't fulfill... and then after you've identified that (with specific words) then you can ask yourself if you fulfill these areas in yourself.

For example, if what you needed in the other person was for him to be more affectionate. Ask yourself if you think you give the affection that you need in someone and then ask yourself what a lack of affection makes you feel and why it is you need and want that. If the other person lacked communication, ask yourself if you're communicative enough with others and what is it about someone who is less open to talk about things or who is more reserved triggers in you. If it's someone more adventurous that you need, ask yourself if you're taking yourself on the adventures you want to live or if you're relying on someone else to bring adventure to you.

All these questions may take you to uncomfortable places... they may even not be answered until you have those needs met and then realize you're still unsatisfied. We must know that everything that a person may trigger in us is there for a reason, it's there to teach us something about ourselves we didn't yet know. It also makes us face what our holes are and how we can fill those holes by ourselves first rather than going on to the next person and making them responsible now.

2. The good things will look a lot better than they are. The bad things will look a lot worse than they are. Read that again.

Again. When in comparison, the new person will never stand on their own. You will never perceive them with neutrality - they will never just be who they are. They'll either be so much better in a variety of things or a lot worse in others. And so you'll never see this person for who they really are if they continuously stand next to someone else. You may decide to deal with negative aspects of that person that do you more harm than good just because they have a bunch of things that you really wished your ex had. It's a dead end and not a very good basis from which to decide if someone is right for you.

You might just go from an extreme to another. If the person didn't like to drink or party, the next person you end up with may drink and party a bit too much. If the person you were with lacked the passion you want in someone, the next person might be so passionate that they're addicted to drama.

4. The best thing you can do is enter a new relationship with all these questions pondered upon. Even if you don't the answers yet, I'm sure you've learned at least one or two things where you can be more responsible for in providing yourself with rather than whoever else enters a relationship with you. Are you loving yourself enough? Are you meeting your own needs? It will also help you identify exactly what it is you want in someone so that you date consciously from a place of wholeness and not from a place of lack.


I'd love to know if this made sense for you or not, if you can relate or not, if you've experienced any of this or not, and... if you've compared a bit too much (guilty) or not.

Don't be afraid to comment ;)

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